A Bit About Me

This post is dedicated to my family. I love them, though they don't often hear from me. The truth is that I miss being a little kid, when it was easy to give a hug and hard to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Some day I will remember how to be a good little brother. But right now I'm just working on being me.

What causes someone who never shuts up and always has something to write about to neglect a venue such a this for several years? Many would claim writer's block. Or a business schedule. Or a waning interest. Or some other excuse of "oh I always meant to but..." 

The truth is, I haven't written on here for years because somewhere along the way I lost the courage to be honest and strip down the thoughts in my head into a cohesive message of what I was seeing in the world around me. I started this blog as an outlet for my insight. As a little window into the way I see things for the simple pleasure of anyone who wanted to take a peek and see if they could identify or profit from my tiny little view of the world. 

That only works as long as I'm aware of what I'm seeing. I can only open up and give those little insights if I have the presence of mind to actually open my own eyes and see first. For too long now my focus has been solely inward. I've been selfish and egotistical in the ways that make me very disappointed now looking back. 

It's easy to make excuses for ourselves. It's even easier to justify our circumstances or make ourselves feel like we're doing the best we can.

But the truth is we're not doing the best we can. I'm not. Perhaps you are, and if you honestly are, then I salute you and applaud you with as much respect as I can muster. For me, though, the sad fact remains that I have yet to achieve "doing the best I can." Maybe I'm just too full of myself to accept that I'm a lesser mortal. If that's the case, then I fear I have much more learning to do than seems currently evident. 

Evidence from my life, though, suggests that for various reasons I have allowed myself to be blocked or unmotivated or discouraged from achievements that were well within my reach. For whatever reasons applied at the time (there have been many over the years), I've made the decisions that resulted in failure.

I have to own up to that. With that ownership, though, comes power that I have never before experienced. Sooner or later, I will most assuredly be at my best, where I can claim with all honesty that I am doing the best I can. This is because I am learning to overcome. 

It takes awareness, which requires openness and honesty. It also requires a great deal of humility, and this I have had much trouble with. You see, when you are honest with yourself, and unashamed of your flaws and unwilling to feel regret for your mistakes, people will find issue with you. They will taunt you and seek to ridicule you and make you feel like you are often walking the wrong path. And that's okay. Just as you are broken and trying to figure yourself out, so too are they trying to both figure you out, and figure themselves out. The truth is, we have our own path to walk. Stay firm on your path, and sooner or later you will find the voices fading into the distance as your path takes you onward. Humility is simply a lack of concern for how dirty your boots get while you walk your path. Is it not? 

For a long time I felt that my biggest failure was in letting myself be scared. I thought that I had let fear get the best of me. Every time I saw failure in my life, right there next to it was something that I had been afraid of that was holding me back. 

I have been wrong. As I've pondered many of the mistakes I've made, I've come to realize that I was fearless. I made the mistakes that I did because in reality I wasn't afraid of the possible consequences. I am still fearless. Very little scares me. Not death, not ridicule, not shame or even failure. 

The truth is that I have been apathetic and lazy. Every aspect of my life where I messed up, at the end of the day, happened because I didn't care. I'm a smart guy, and I'm resourceful. I can do anything I set my mind to, so long as I take to time to learn about it and grasp an understanding of it. Watch me take something apart some time. It's a long process. I have to analyze everything and understand where it fits. That's a hard path to take.

When you take a hard path, you have to be prepared for the stumbling blocks along the way. There are walls and trenches and puddles. Sometimes you get stuck. Sometimes you get hurt. You have to overcome. You can't overcome when you don't care.

I had to overcome many obstacles. I still do.

I had to figure out why I needed to keep moving forward.

I had to find out what I believed and what I cared about and what I wanted.

I had to figure out what path I walked. And more than that, I've had to figure out why I walk that path.

These last few years have been hard, and though I've made many mistakes, I have very few regrets because, in reality, they've helped me learn. Now I've put the puzzle together and I have a deep and complete understanding of who I am and what I seek. I know what I stand for and what I believe in, and I know what I want out of life.

At the end of the day I know some of the finer details may change. I know I will make more mistakes. But I am also confident in claiming that I will never again lose my way, for I know of a surety the path that I am on is the right path.

My boots are going to get dirty. And I don't care. I have much to give those around me, and I've come to believe in the power of my own potential. Understanding gives me strength and confidence.

The truly beautiful thing, though, is that I'm not unique or privileged in this blessing of strength and understanding. It is there for all of us to find if we seek it. We have a promise, that if we do all we can and follow a straight and narrow path-- a path marked for us by one who came to Earth and overcame all-- we will overcome everything that stands in our way.

I am not alone in this promise. That, to me, is an incredibly special thing.